Returning home from the TBAP conference at Goldsmith’s on Friday feeling refreshed and looking forward – yes really – to getting back to the real job, I was jolted into reality on the train. I was reflecting on the quality of the experience of the two days and considering just how good all of the speakers were and, well just feeling validated.
Sitting across from me on the train was a couple with a very young baby. The dad was about 19 and the mum about 18. Dad had no top on and was very agitated. He was clearly uncomfortable in the train in the company of the general public and spent a lot of time talking to nobody in particular about himself and darting glances around him. He announced that he had taken cannabis, “for medicinal purposes only, you see?” Nobody was taking any notice of him. I noticed he had a joint rolled up and tucked behind his ear. His girlfriend looked tired, worn out, and was keen to keep him happy. She did not appear unhappy with the dad and seemed in tune with her. Dad then took the baby, Poppy, I was to learn later, from the pram and very self consciously began to feed him. Mum was pleased with this and encouraged him. Dad looked around to see what people were thinking now. He caught my eye and I smiled approvingly. He seemed pleased to have been acknowledged. After a while he put the baby gently back into the pram.
A couple of stops later three teenage boys got on, in school uniform. They were not loud but instantly the mood in the carriage changed. Dad became even more agitated. The boys were of three different ethnicities and were chatting away amiably about three seats from where this young family was sitting. Dad began muttering to himself but in the direction of the group to shut the fuck up, that the baby was sleeping. I don’t know if at any time the boys were aware of the dad, but I was relieved when they moved to seats which had become available further down the carriage. This however only made the situation worse because dad assumed they were talking about him and laughing at him. Muttering away he threatened to smack them up and would happily take on the three of them. Mum, again quietly, backed him up on this. Dad then threw out that they’re only kids and he didn’t fight kids. Then one of the boys laughed out loud and he reverted to his muttered threats. He got up and moved down the carriage towards them but stopped and began to do pull-ups on the hand rails. As we approached what was the last stop he began to plot how he would get them. As the train pulled in to Clapham Junction, the last stop, he was still staring in the direction of the boys. I got up and got along side him and his girlfriend. What would I do if it all kicked off? I don’t know. What I did do was what I do every day in the job. I spoke to them. I asked about the baby, how old she was – 6 weeks, name – Poppy, does she sleep at night – no. The mood changed. They were happy to talk about their precious, tiny child in the pram. Dad beamed as he knew he had demonstrated earlier on the journey what a good dad he could be when he fed his child. I told them about my newest grandson. The three boys were forgotten. There would be no confrontation.
I reflected on the rest of my journey home about what else I could have said to this young couple. So much, of course. I wanted to give them so much advice about learning and sticking with it, that he would have to give up cannabis if he really was concerned for his daughter’s future. I sensed in the couple the fear of just not belonging to a wider world. I sensed violence, aggression, substance misuse, damaged mental health and a very tenuous existence. I know however that I did as much as I could in the circumstances. Jaz Ampawfarr spoke on Friday about the serial interrupters who saved her. We do this all the time at TBAP. And it becomes part of us. There was no more I could have done, but I reflected that maybe interrupting this fragile young family’s life even for those couple of minutes might just make a tiny difference.
educchange 